this is for you

ive been asked to write about me and my ailments

not an easy task

due to the fact that often my mind

abandons my body

while my body

becomes engulfed in pain

which words could never express

nor do they exist

(if they do, they lay within the fire of hell)

Lyme has the ability to change you,

drag you

isolate you

question your existence,

it challenges your relationships

no matter how hard you try

and then you realize

trying is not the answer

letting go is,

so you sit

quietly

watching relationships diminish,

then there are

those

who

stay,

believe in you

without a need of explanation

that know

your laughter does not mean you are not sick

it becomes the only gift at times

to survive

Lyme makes one yearn for the truth

in hopes that one day

it will

arrive

a cure

an arrest

to the biggest medical war in history,

everyday is a challenge

you’re not faced

with decisions of

shall i paint my garage red

or

meet a friend for lunch ?

daily

you make decisions

of necessity,

shall i take a shower

or eat

shall i go to the grocery store

or try to go to the body scan

(again)

shall i pick up the phone

or

take ten painful steps

to the bathroom

(finally)

shall i keep praying

or give up,

shall i do laundry

or call the collectors

its seldom when you can achieve more than one thing a day

not because you are depressed

or lazy

not because you are selfish

because

you’re sick

physically sick

with anguish

you tremble

body burning

all day

dead weight,

(you cant escape it)

your central nervous system

is under siege

you stare at a door knob

for a long time

(about the same length of time it takes to eat a ripe apple)

wondering how does that work again?

you have conversations

half way through

you have no idea who the person is,

you have forgotten

her face

his name

where you are,

because now your brain is in crisis

its inflamed

the sun becomes your enemy

rainstorms

clouds

gloomy weather

bring your body ease

calm your immune system

what Lyme really comes down to

is

you see

everyone

(including yourself)

everything

the world

with a magnifying glass

it changes you,

(and will continue to)

the biggest hardship

is the loneliness

it isolates you

until the day

you realize

the only thing you can count on

is

a spirit

that does not judge

that fully understands

helps you move on

through the

the madness

the night

another day,

at times

within the darkest

hour

you wonder

if you have created some imaginary god

out of desperation ?

just to

get through

another hour

another

day

(after all

faith for me

at times

is fleeting)

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God

i can’t retain

a

thought

long enough

to say

what i need to,

so

i will take comfort

in believing

that you already know

the

hell im in.

(amen)

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Is it a dream

.

When I was a young girl I used to have this reoccurring dream, or what started out to be a nightmare. Every night I would go to sleep and continue where I left off the night before. Until one evening a man approached me with an ultimatum-I would either continue to come back to the lunacy or I would get a large needle (which I was terrified of) in my arm and never return to the place of darkness.

When I awoke the next morning I contemplated his question all day. 

 I was six years old.

Riddled with fear and anxiety.

Paralyzed in a state of neurosis.

I don’t remember coming up with an answer when I returned to him that evening. I don’t even remember the man.

I can still hear his words though, echoing in my mind……

“you can’t win, just give in.”

I had no idea where I was and I was terrified where it was all heading. In the field of my fight, a sliver of light, cracked  into the chaotic shadows.

Within what appeared  to be a eternity later, there was an abrupt transition. I was outside of the darkness. In awe of a giant cocoon on the back of a horse driven sleigh, surrounded by snow. There was a wing struggling to find its way out.

It was beautiful.

It was me.

Those nightmares never returned. I never saw that man again, although at times i still hear his voice.

I don’t even remember the large needle which i was promised.

I often think of that time, and wonder if that was a foreshadowing of what would become a constant reality – a beautiful madness accompanied by a yearning to be free.

One day I will look back at the years gone by and it will all seem like a strange illusion. I will do my best to not forget the intangible gifts that i have found along the way. The state of presence, where there are no big deals. The art of gratitude. A place of love- where there is no remorse of yesterday and no fear of tomorrow.

A place of ease.

  A place where every cocoon becomes a butterfly and every butterfly is free.

It’s ironic my father named me.

He named me Azadeh.

(Azadeh means “to be free”)

.

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